Is it Friday yet....

This is only to the middle of a long week.  Sunday spent the day working with the Boy Scouts on a fundraiser, went well but took most of the day and pretty well wiped me out. Monday started off pretty normal, woke up, began the day checked email and facebook, looked up some info on the Anime Detour schedule, talked to some friends about cosplay for this weekend.  Then the phone rang, by the time I fished it out of my coat it had gone to voicemail, oh well I thought no big deal I'll just give it a listen.  

My daughters school calling to tell me she had a fever and needed to be picked up. Then the second message played, it was my dad telling me to give a call, but the message was different, he didn't say who he was.  You need to understand that my Dad is from the old school, every message starts with saying who you are, sometimes he says it when I answer. Phone etiquette was different when he learned it, I can barely get my son to answer the phone with hello rather than "what" or "yeah" so it seemed odd but I didn't think much of it. I called back the school and let them know I would be in soon and then called Dad to see what was up. 

So I called and asked what was new "Grandma passed away last night" was his reply.

I've always considered myself lucky or fortunate that I hadn't ever had to experience the death of a close family member.  The closest relative I can recall dying would be a great uncle or aunt.  Someone with a tangential relationship who had been met at the occasional family gathering or event.  Not exactly the kind of close personal connection that really brings home the gravity of losing a loved one. 

I basically went numb. I don't recall much of the conversation, which is odd as I usually have a really sharp memory when it comes to conversations but it was like I was running on autopilot.  Something about my uncle Alan in Washington and when he could arrive, wake on Friday, funeral on Saturday. I didn't ask any questions, I didn't have any thoughts in my head, on some level I was just absorbing what Dad was saying. He said he would call later in the week with more details.

I finished the call and went back into the living room, sitting in my chair to let it soak in. Huh, Saturday, wasn't I planning something, it seemed important this morning but it didn't really matter anymore.  Few things did, Grandma, the most supportive, kind and genuinely loving person I had ever known was gone, just like that.

Now, understand that this wasn't really a shocking event or even a surprise really.  I had known since the first week of the year that this was coming, I just didn't know when.  Grandma's health had been on the decline in recent years and 2012 had been particularly hard on her.  She was having more difficulty with mobility and her back was hurting more.  She had a few falls in the last few months and was starting to have what she called "Foggy days" or "bad days" when she felt hazy mentally  She was unsure of where she was when this happened and became somewhat confused, and had difficulty holding a conversation.

Shortly after the first of the year she moved from my Aunt's home to an assisted living center.  One month and several falls later it became clear that she needed more care than could be provided so in February we moved her from the center to a hospice. Soon her mobility was almost completely gone and she needed help to do so much as shift position in her chair. But she would still cheer up when she had visitors and would try to have a conversation, but sometimes had trouble keeping up.

In March I took my wife and kids down to see her, I knew it might be the last chance they would have to see her when she was still reasonably healthy. She was having a good day that visit, almost cheerful.  I had hope that maybe she would last a good while longer and we could have more visits like that one.  She talked to all of us fairly easily and cool keep up reasonably well.  A vast improvement over her state at my last visit. We had a pleasant time for nearly 2 hours, but it was getting close to supper time and Grandma was feeling tired so we gave hugs and said our good-byes and left.

It was the last time my wife or kids would see her before she passed.  I'm glad it was such a good visit, especially for the sake of my kids.  In a way, I half wish it was the last time I had been able to visit at well, but in truth I am extremely grateful I had the chance to see her again.

Now here I was, in my living room dealing with the loss of the person who only three days prior I had visited, telling her the latest news about the kids and school, Nissa starting seeds for her garden and the interview I had the day before for a position at work.  The big news was that we had a mortgage pre-approved and had begun searching for a home in earnest. This pleased grandma and made her sit up a little straighter and smile in the hospital bed.  The hospice had damaged power lines in the ice storm earlier in the week and the residents there had been moved to the hospital until it could be fixed. I could see that she was proud of me and said that it was good. That my kids need a house.

I could hardly believe that she was gone. After what seemed like a long time, I woke my wife and gave her the news, I know she tried to comfort me as I had done for her several years prior when her Grandmother had passed.  I understand now how much it means to have someone take the time to give that measure of comfort in a way I thought I knew then, but now know I was completely oblivious to.

I picked up my Daughter and brought her home.  My precious little girl who nearly six years prior my wife and I had named after our grandmothers. Ella, my grandmother's name and Marie for my wife's.  I had snickered when my wife suggested the middle name and agreed immediately, for it would give my daughter the complete name of my grandmother and at the same time honor my wife's.

We decided that it would be best to tell the kids at the same time, unfortunately it could not be done until after I had already left for work, as Ella was asleep when Jacob got home. I don't know how they are handling it, I'm not sure how I am either.  We are coping well I hope.

The rest of the week has been the typical blur of my life on night shift rotation, get home at 3am to a house of sleepers, quietly get online until I have wound down enough to go to bed.  The wife gets home at 6 and gets the kids ready for school and joins me in bed once she has wound down, which is usually only an hour or two before I am up for the day.  I wake up to an empty house with only my wife home and her asleep from working her steady night shift.  

We pass like ships in the night, scarcely a chance to say hello.  I see my kids for an hour or so before I leave for work again and the cycle repeats until the next week when I switch back to day shift. This is the life we lead for now, and this week it is both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing, in that it has afforded me ample time with my thoughts to dwell on the sorrow and grief of the loss without having to deal with the daily grind of kids needing drinks of water and snacks, or of diapers and homework. In the solitude of the house when all others within it slumber I am free to sit in silence and muse on my feelings.

A curse that with my thoughts thus gathered I am unable to share them effectively with anyone, or to take solace in the warm embrace of my wife or to hold close my children and alleviate the burden of this grief which weighs on my mind and soul. I have worked out my thoughts and feeling and now simply long for the closeness of family, which has not yet come, and will not until this weekend.

And yet, even now that I can count myself in the ranks of those who have lost a close loved one, I still feel that I can call myself lucky or fortunate in that my grandmothers passing is something that was expected with immediacy rather than the inevitable decline and death that awaits us all.  I consider it fortunate that we were given these last four months to prepare for the loss and lucky to have had the time that was given to have our last goodbyes.  I feel a strange completeness.  I know that at 97, Grandma lived a full, rich life and that in her final days; she was able to see and spend time with many of the people in her life she loved the most.  More than anything however, we are blessed that we have been lucky and fortunate enough to have such and extraordinary person in our lives for as long as we have. 

Goodbye Grandma, I love you. 

Ella Marie Doss

9/10/1915-4/15/2013